I wanted to talk about change a little bit. It's unfortunate, really, that we humans are so resistant to change sometimes. Whether it's the position we're in at work, our job itself, where we live, or who we hang out with, I think we tend to forget that the world around us changes more than just what we affect. All my friends have friends who influence them just as much as I do. My job has other employees that I may never see, all because they work when I don't. Where I live may be influenced on my schooling, and that could change tomorrow.
It's tough to accept that things change. I mean, people change. I have come to that realization today, and it hurts. It hurts because I remember years ago when I had a ton of friends who were all friends with each other. Then the poison of jealousy and anger poisoned some friendships, and while God has been working healing miracles into my life and the lives of those friends, the fact of the matter is, they've changed without me. They've gone into new territories, and new frontiers that I've not the courage to travel to. It's painful because...because I want it so bad to be like it was. I want it to be "like the good ol' days" when things weren't complicated. I want it back to when the most complicated things I had to think about were what jokes I was gonna use at school the next day and what homework was due. But most of all, I miss the closeness of my friends. And who they were. Because now that they're grown up, and have their own lives as I do, they're changing, and I'm not sure I like the results.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not some megalomaniac with a God complex who feels my way is the right way, (even though it is) I'm just reminiscing on what I thought were better times. Things just seemed to "work," then, except for the part where the girl I dated broke up with me about 16 times, before I found the woman of my dreams. That being said, though, I think I'm ultimately scared because, back in high school, we were all drawn to each other based on our similar interests: God, girls/boys, music, love, high school, and an ever increasing demand from life that we test the limits of our very physical abilities. Now that we've "matured" somewhat, those interests are dwindling and morphing. Some don't fancy God as much in their life. Some choose romance over education. Some choose work over fun. And I think that because they are changing, I feel the need to change, too. I just don't know how.
I wasn't even sure what page to put this under. I wasn't about to create a "Heart-aching Truth of Life I Don't Want to Accept" page, simply because that would've been way too long a link and it would've been sparsely populated with posts. But it's true. It's a tearful, pain-filled truth I have to embrace. And I don't want to. Because it means having to lay down friendships I've held for years, and hope for the best. I told someone very important to me I would never disclose names or single people out on this blog and I intend to keep it that way. But look, I'm gonna end this post with a prayer, and whether or not you're one of the friends I'm talking about, this prayer still goes out to you. Maybe you have a friend who is changing as well, and you're realizing you guys don't mesh like you used to. Well, this prayer's for you, too. The first part is from a song that I've heard a long time ago, but speaks volumes to me. The second part is my prayer to God for my friends:
Lord, I lift my friend to You,
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You.Complicated circumstances have clouded his viewLord, I lift my friend up to You.
I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hearI pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincereLord, I lift my friend up to You.
Lord, I lift my friend to You,My best friend in the world,
I know he means much more to You.I want so much to help him,
but this is something he has to doAnd Lord, I lift my friend up to You.
-Casting Crowns, "Prayer for a Friend"
Dear Father God,
Lord, I know that I'm not the master of this world. I leave that job to You. But God, I'm having trouble giving all of that to You. I want my friends to be who I want them to be. But I'm realizing that I can't do that. God, give me the trust to accept that you will be the God of their lives just like You have been for mine. I lay my friends' lives in your hands because, even though I think they may be making mistakes in their life, I know you're still guiding them through it like You have been guiding me. Please keep my love and passion for them alive and well, and may you bless them like You have blessed me. I pray that I see them in eternal bliss in Heaven, where this pain will be a quickly fading memory. You are the master of the universe, but You are also the master of my heart.
I love You God.
Luke
